I'm Mad as Hell and I'm Not Going to Take it!
by flo-bizet
Summary: In which Sanji is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. There's only so much humiliation one can stand, after all. Totally crack, with OOC characters and spoilers for 494.


**Date Written:** April 6, 2008

**Summary:** Don't need it because it's a one shot and I SWEAR it shall stay that way, got it?! No matter how many people put it on alert (seriously, I have six alerts for a one shot! WTH?!).

**Flo:** If you've bothered reading that above part, you'll probably see that I'm rather frustrated. Which is great! Apparently, I'm fantastic at telling stories when frustrated over the topic, both in writing and in real life. Weird, but whatever works for ya', right?

**WARNINGS! SPOILERS FOR 494 AND ON!** And characters WILL be OOC, but that's part of the story. Also language, but I would think if you're reading a Sanji fic, you'll expect such things. Dirty, dirty boy.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Piece because if I did… well, I'm sure you'll get to that conclusion after reading this.

**Hope you enjoy!**

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After a full ten minutes of Sanji kicking the living daylights out of Duval's face, he finally sighed and backed off, not bothering to see his handy work. He was aware he kicked ass in all ways, he already knew whatever he did was great.

Sadly, the rest of the world was oblivious to this. Bastards.

"Wow, Sanji!" Luffy said. "That was awesome! But I still don't know why you're so mad, he looked just like you."

"Could have been long, lost twins," Zoro added.

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting a family reunion here at all!" Franky said. "Shame you two brothers couldn't get along."

"I agree," in came Brooke. "It had such potential to be a heart warming moment."

"For the last time, that idiot looked nothing like me!" Sanji shouted.

"You're kidding!" Ussop said. "He looked exactly like you in every way! The hair, the eyebrow, everything! Really amazing, even for me."

"I'll say," Nami agreed. "But I don't think I could handle two Sanjis. I'd have to carry around a bat or something."

"Not to mention we'd have double the stupidity and idiotic dancing around," Zoro said. "We already have enough of that."

The entire crew, fishmen, and an unconscious Duval (you're reading a One Piece fic, remember?) commenced laughing at the expense of Sanji with that last comment. It was at this point and that laughing, though, in which realization dawned upon him. He had the raw end of the deal here. Horribly! He had just found out that his long awaited watned poster that had given him the greatest injustice of his life wasn't even technically him and then had the bastard trying to kill him for no damn reason and yet everybody was laughing at him! With that thought, something inside of him literally snapped and released a rage never before seen by the likes of men.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Sanji yelled, punctuating it with a stomp and creating a crater that people would later associate with a meteor.

Silence.

"Something wrong, Sanji?" Luffy asked.

"Yes, something is wrong!" Sanji answered. "Something has BEEN wrong ever since at least Alabasta! I have been the butt of nearly every damn joke and made a fool of and I am freakin' sick of it, damnit! This last incident is the last straw, you hear me?! I finally have the spotlight after so long of just having kick ass fight scenes and no particularly important character growth, I get this guy who wants to kill me and I'm thinking, 'Shit, this sucks, but hey! Maybe I'll actually have something important happen here like everybody else!' When what do I in fact get? A SHITTY JOKE ABOUT MY SHITTY WANTED POSTER!!"

"Hey, that's not true!" Ussop said. "What about me?! I mean, for one there's the nose and I'm always doing stupid stuff while you're Mister Cool!"

"Exactly! Making me the bigger loser because I am so damn cool while you're already an idiot like Luffy! By me acting like an idiot, it makes it funnier for everybody else, yet more humiliating for me!"

"That's because you are an idiot, idiot," Zoro said.

Bad move.

"SCREEN TIME WHOOOORE!!"

With that battle cry, Sanji charged at Zoro, aiming a kick directly at his chest with the intent to kill. Zoro quickly blocked it with his swords, though was having difficulty due to his injuries.

"Hey, what the hell is you're problem?! … And did you seriously just call me a whore?!"

"Shit yeah, I called you a whore, whore! You are one, constantly getting screen time and new swords and emotional scenes! You ALWAYS have to be the most driven and shit and why the hell don't you let other people have a little spot light, huh?! Hell, you even wore a dress and yet you weren't made fun of! What is up with that?!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!

"Wow, Sanji, calm down!" Luffy yelled. "You've had character growth!"

Sanji backed off of Zoro and snapped to Luffy. "Oh yeah?! Name one time!"

"Back in-!"

"BESIDES Baratie! For that matter, every one of you name a time! Just one!"

Silence.

"W-Well that doesn't mean much!" Chopper tried. "It's, um, not like everyone has had character growth here, right?!"

Sanji glared at Chopper, making the poor little reindeer shrink back to hide behind Robin. Putting out his cigarette, Sanji stood as still as a statue and began. "Luffy doesn't need much character growth since he's the one who is supposed to inspire and help others. Marimo over there has had countless scenes of him proving his extreme loyalty towards his crew and is constantly getting chances to get closer to his dream. Nami just gave another person some of her treasure, that was valuable, away to a friend who wasn't even attractive. Ussop had that whole Sogeking thing and proved himself more than just some liar. Chopper has been trying to get better at being a good member of our crew and be brave. Robin had the entire Water 7 arc dedicated to her and wanting to live. Franky and Brooke admittedly haven't had much simply because they're new. So… how about me? Me, who has been here BEFORE we reached the Grand Shitty Line?"

Mutters and shuffling of feet were the only sounds made.

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, Sanji!" Nami trilled. "Stop being silly about all of this and just go cook something! That always makes you feel better, right?"

Sanji simply stared at her, no heart ever forming in his eye. "No."

Group GASP!

"W-What was that?"

"I said no! That's another part of character growth that's wrong! I'm always going into stupid 'melorine!' mode in the most inappropriate times! You would think that I would get better as time progressed, but no! I haven't! What the hell is up with that shit?!"

"But that's you're quirk," Robin said. "All of the crew has at least one. Luffy has many, as does Ussop, Chopper and Brooke, Zoro is constantly sleeping and getting lost, Nami is greedy, Franky cries quite often despite his manly appearance, I… well, I'm supposed to be the sensible one, and you are always chasing women. It's all very fair."

"Fair? FAIR?! What would be fair is if it didn't act as a handicap when I'm fighting! None of the others have one, why do I?! And we're going back to character growth here, because I just said that Nami gave away treasure, so when do I get to get at least SLIGHTLY over my weakness for women?! WHEN?!"

"You make it sound like there's an unknown force making you do all of that," Franky commented.

"Furthermore, I am damn sick of bending over backwards for you, Nami!"

A second group GASP!

"You never appreciate all of the hard work I put into everything I do for you, you never thank me when I save you, you never even recognize that maybe I care for you more than other women! You just take advantage of me, that's what you do! No more!"

"Sanji, maybe you should sit down," Chopper said. "It's been a very stressful day and I'm sure that this is all just needless anger-"

"Don't tell me what to do ya' undersized roast!"

"Waaaaah!"

"Hey, it's not all about you, eyebrow!" Zoro yelled. "Quit acting like a selfish bastard!"

"Oh, but it's a-okay for you to?!"

"... What?"

"Every damn time you're in a fight it's always about your shitty dream of being the best swordsman and beating Mihawk and on and on and on, the same thing! Meanwhile, I'm off somewhere else trying to save Nami or something while getting beat up by another woman, acting like an idiot with hearts in my eyes and getting my ass laughed at!"

"It's not my fault you're pathetic. And shut up, don't talk crap about my dream like that!"

"YOU SHUT UP!! I can't even remember the last time my dream was mentioned! It's always about you and Luffy and shit! We haven't even made any theories about where mine is!!"

"Hey, Zoro's right, Sanji," Ussop said. "It isn't all about you, and besides, Robin's in the same boat as you are."

"Bullshit! She's mentioned her dream way more than mine and has even had times when she came close to actually getting a clue! Me?! NOTHING! Where are my theories and stories about it, huh?! WHERE IS IT YOU SON OF A BITCH?!"

"Waaaaah!"

"Seriously, Luffy and Marimo are always going on about their dream, Nami, Ussop, Chopper, Franky and Brooke are living theirs, and I've already mentioned Robin! None of this shit is fair to me!"

"Sanji, you're loosing control!" Nami shouted. "Calm down!"

"Don't tell me to calm down, slut!"

"Waaaaah!"

Brooke sighed. "If this is how your chef is going to act, I'm not quite sure it was a good idea to join."

"Then go eat shit and finally die, you worthless, unwanted, lame... SHITTY SKELETON!"

"Waaaaah!"

"Sanji, that's enough!" Luffy exclaimed. "You're hurting everyone's feelings and if you continue to act as selfish as you are now, then you can-!"

"Shut the hell up!" a new voice bellowed. Everyone turned to where it came from to see Chef Zeff getting out of a small row boat. "The kid may not be the brightest thing, but he sure as hell deserves better treatment!"

"Damn straight I do!"

More silence.

"Why are you here?" Ussop braved.

"I'm here to get his wanted poster changed to a better picture!" Zeff said. "Sure, at first I was just proud to see he had one," -group sigh- "but after a week I realized he had completely gotten screwed over. So I was coming here to give them a proper picture of the little eggplant but then saw this commotion and everything he just said is right! All of you should be ashamed of yourselves!"

There's a strange phenomenon where if an old person tells you such things, you do feel ashamed.

"Don't any of you care about where he came from exactly?! Hell, I don't even know why he was on that ship, no family or anything around! And he's from the North Blue, and was just randomly in the East? What exactly is that about?!"

More shuffling of feet and mumbles.

"Hey, uh, we're really sorry," Luffy tried. "We didn't know that you were so upset over this."

"That's an understatement," Sanji scoffed.

"We're really sorry for any injustices you've had from us. You're a really important member to this crew and we all respect everything you do. We're sorry."

The rest of the crew quickly agreed whole heartedly with their captain.

Sanji and Zeff exchanged looks before Sanji said, "Alright. I suppose I probably was just venting because I'm pissed over the whole Duval thing. Sorry about that."

"No problem! Now come on, let's get back to our journey and help you… um… say, what's your dream again?"

"FUCK YOU!!"

At daring to forget about All Blue, both Zeff and Sanji planted a double kick into his face, sending him crashing into a nearby building.

"That includes every last one of you!" Sanji continued. "You can all go to hell from a protein deficiency for all I care! I'm starting my own shitty pirate crew and finding All Blue without you jerks!"

"That's my boy," Zeff commented. "Come on, I bet that Gin guy would gladly be your first mate."

With a final One Finger Salute to his former crew, Sanji left the Straw Hats for good and not only found All Blue with his new and more respectful crew, but got over his women handicap and got a proper wanted poster that was called the sexiest damn thing in all the oceans.

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**A/N:** OOOOOOOOOOOOC, huh? I totally know Sanji would never say any of this. All humor purposes. But these are a lot of questions that were raised after I read 495. Why does HE get a joke arc? However, perhaps this Duval thing will turn into something more and we might get answers to his past that I've always wondered about. What can ya' do, except hope? -_sigh_-

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with Sanji plushies.


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